Thing that is Completely Wrong in Me

We can say it’s some kind of God’s willing, Destiny, Natural Character, or even a Curse, but it’s a fact:  Some people are just born to be annoying. And I’m one of them… 

Everyone knows, as far as I know myself, that I’m an extrovert kind of person.  I like hang out with people, I enjoy expressing my thoughts to them, I like helping others, I sympathize, I love making friends, and I am friendly and cheerful.  Well, at least in the beginning. 

It has been a habit of mine to try my best to make an appropriate kind of relationship with people.  I want them to like me.  I want them to feel happy and cozy whenever they’re around me.   I want them consider me as a nice person.  I want to be accepted by them.  But, this is the strange part, once I have reached my goals, or by the time I got what I want from them, which is friendship, or loyalty, or trust, I would suddenly turn into a very disturbance person for sure.  I did evil things to them.  I said things that are hurting.  I told them how bad they were when in reality I was the one who is bad all along.  And I have been doing it for the last 21 years to all of my family, friends, best friends, little kids (it’s true!  All of my toddler cousins are afraid of me because after I squeeze and hug and told them how I love them, I always make them scream and cry) and any other persons that I know, whether I realize it or not.  I don’t know about you, but in place where I was born and raised, and in any other civilization, normal people don’t hurt the ones whom they love.  They cherish them and they take say beautiful thing to them.  So my decision was there’s something that is completely wrong inside of my brain.  That has made me different from others.  That I might need cure or medical intention.

This phenomenon of hating-after loving so much process is always been some kind of wicked.  I don’t even know how I did that.  All I know was I found fewer friends around in the end, and my family think that I’m sick. 

As I grow up, I started to analyze my self, and I got to know it better.  I did, eventually, found the reason behind it.  It is actually my way to defend my self to people who loves me insincerely.  By doing bad things to people, they will feel annoyed.  And in normal condition, they would obviously start to keep a distance.  They would walk away.  They would think I’m not qualified to be their mates, with the reason of ‘non profitable dhi’ behind it.

 

But only my truly friends and family would stand still.  They’ll be disturbed also, but they won’t run away and gone.  They won’t stab me in the back.  They’ll start lecturing me instead of grumbling or even worse, keep silent or ignoring me.  They would show me my mistakes and tell me how to solve it.  They would hold my hands and telling me ‘What you’re doing is wrong, dhi, Let us find a way to fix it.  And believe me; you’ll be thanking me in the future’. 

And as I now looking at around me, I can see clearly how I’m surrounded with best friends.  Even though there’s not so many of them, I still feel lucky.  However, I got several friends of a lifetime who would happily share my pain and joy.  Not bad.  Even for me. 

But now that I’m in a totally new environment, and I have shown them I deserved to be their friend, I am now, once again, trapped in a situation that I have been through many times in life:  I just can’t stop piss them off!  It seems that the more I like people, the more annoying I am.  Usually it’s not such a big problem for me, since I already know that it’s actually good for me because it’s selecting people who are matched with me automatically.  But to telling you the truth here, I like my present surrounding.  I really do like them.  I don’t want them to keep off from me.  I don’t want them to think that I’m nothing but a big mouth fresh guy.  I don’t want them to think that I’m a jerk.  I want them to be around me forever.  I don’t want them to be my shoulders to cry on whenever I got troubles.  I want them to be my best friend till the day I die…

So here I am, once again, caught in the trap I made myself.  Telling myself I’ll be fine with no one, while deep down inside I know that it’s just a lie.  I’m not blaming anyone for this freaky disease I have.  But my message for anyone who is now mad at me because something I said or done, PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP ON ME.  I know you’ll be thinking I’m no more than an insane, foolish girl, that has no interest in taking care of others’ opinion (no matter how right it is)  But the fact is: I need you, I really do like you, I want you to be my forever friend.  Just be patient a little, you can even consider me as a helpless child if you like.  But once when we have through the rough journey, I promise you we can have a delightful friendship of a lifetime.  It should be fun. 

So, would you (please, please, please) be my friend?  J 

_Delicious Poem_

For you Chocolate Freaks, here’s a fun-delicious poem for you.  Yummy….   :)’

*****

Here I sit, eating chocolate chips.

To quit eating chocolate, I need more than tips.

There are so many kinds of chocolate, it’s hard to choose.

No matter which one you pick, you just can’t lose.

There is milk chocolate, sweet chocolate, and semi-sweet.

I really like dark chocolate!  It’s such a treat!!!

There is also mint chocolate & white chocolate — I’m not through!

There is cereal, cake, cookies, candy, pudding, pie & ice cream too.

Chocolate tastes so rich, and sweet, and sometimes smooth.

It can help make you feel better, or help your heartache sooth.

There are many chocolate drinks.  Have some, just for fun –

cappuccino, chocolate milk, mocha & cocoa — try more than one!

Is chocolate as good as a hug, or a pat on the back?

What if I’m out of chocolate, when I have my next attack??!!

I could just imagine that I’m eating chocolate, I suppose.

If I eat lots of chocolate all day long, would I overdose?

Where would I go… what would I ever do… without chocolate?

Nothing can compare.  Not even one word rhymes with chocolate!

Do I take it for granted that I can always get more?

I could eat chocolate candies, by the score!

Is chocolate something to fear — is it really a curse?

Is it something to be avoided, or is it much worse?

Or… is chocolate the eighth wonder?  Is it a total delight?

Something you savor for so long?  Or love with all your might?

Printed with permission of Kay L Sullivan.

Written September 29, 1998

© 1998 by Kay L Sullivan

Kay Sullivan’s Home Page 2

*****

By the way, I just bought a-half kilos chocolate of a well-known brand in a very competitive price offer from one of my friend.  For me, it’s just like heaven!!!!  Luv my chocolate so!!!!  Interested to have some with me?  Well you definitely got my invitation.  So come join me if you dare!!!!

Dear Mother

Dear Mother…

Here I am in my room,

Sitting alone on my cold bed, remembering you,

Flashing my memories back to the past,

And I just recall,

All my life, all I have been doing is just trying to make you proud,

Be the best student, got the 1^st rank in class, always helping with the house chores, be polite in front of your relatives and friend…

And hurting you at the same time.

My envy to your other children has always been the reason of my destructive behavior,

You always let them do anything,

And give them anything,

But not to me,

The only child whose love for you is so much that you could never imagine,

Made me feel guilty,

Made me feel unwanted,

Made me feel unpretty,

Made me feel like I was the black sheep of the family.

So my devilish side took part, decided to take revenge,

I thought, if they can do everything they want in life, why can’t I?

In doing so, I started to hate you,

I kept silent on you,

I ignore you,

I yelled at you,

I told you bad things,

I made you feel pain,

Your heartache was such a joy for me,

Never crossed in my mind,

That you fought alone, without Father on your side,

Without your soul mate,

Without your defender,

Without your protector,

Never crossed in my mind,

That you were so brave,

Doing anything that you can do,

Just to make sure that all of your children got enough food,

Enough rest,

Nice clothes,

Proper shield,

Never crossed in my mind,

That you always think that with how my other siblings act, I’m your only child that you can lean on to,

Never crossed in my mind,

How you struggle along me with all those exhausted jobs seeking process even until the first day working,

Those sacrifices,

Just never crossed in my mind,

All I see is your mistakes, and your wrinkles, and your grey hair.

Oh, Mother

What a sinful daughter that you have here,

She’ll never be mature enough to understand your way of loving,

But one thing for sure,

She truly do love you,

Even more than anything she care about in her life,

There’s no doubt in it.

Please do believe me mother,

I will do anything to make you happy,

Even if it’s sacrificing all of mine,

It’s going to be hard, and I’ll do my best,

We will live happily ever after in the end,

I will be the one, who protects you and defends you,

We will have the times of our life along with our family with us,

I promise you,

But until that time comes, be patient,

Hold on for a while,

I will pick you up there, Mother….

_because Allah SWT is here with us all the way_

…Luv You Always…

-your_very_naughty_little_daughter-

Sweet Like Chocolate, Boy!

It’s just the things that you do that make me feel like I have this eternal delight taste of chocolate on the tip of my tongue…

The way you hold my hands when we walk together,

The way you kiss my forehead when you walk me to my bed,

The way you embrace me beneath protection of your umbrella under the pouring rain,

The way you teasing me every time I said some words not correctly,

The way you tell me how pretty I am in the early morning,

The way you hold me when we watch movies,

The way you tell me your dreams passionately,

The way you make me a glass full of cold tasty guava juice,

The way you tell me that you miss me,

The way you feel annoyed every time I sing,

The way you kiss me and ask for those nasty things bravely,

The way you fix my broken electronic device,

The way you bought me some food to break my fasting,

The ways you borrow my CD’s and never give them back,

The way you said anything to break my statements just to let me know that you know better than me, no matter how right my statements are,

The way you play your guitar, singing the song that I ask you to,

The way that you tell me how sexy I am,

The way you brought me stuffs just to have some reason to visit my room,

The way you tell me how nasty I am,

The way you hold me so tight that I can hear heart beating,

The way you let me know the music that you love, which is totally different with the one that I used to hear, so that I can taste the delight of differences,

The way you send me beautiful short massages through my cell phone in the beginning of the day,

The way you touch my hair and tell me how good the scent is,

The way you give me a ride every time you got the chance to use your family car,

The way you advice me about how important it is to pay more attention to my health when I got sick,

The way you rush yourself to my room just to make sure if i’m fine,

The way you got mad with my stubborn character,

The way you pick me up at a friend’s dorm in the late of night,

The way you cover my books,

The way you take me to have dinners,

The way you tell me how soft my skin is,

The way you hold my hands when we are about to cross a street,

The way you always there whenever I need your help,

The way you feel no embarrass at all when you tell me that you love a boyband’s music,

The way you kiss me good night,

The way you fetch me up every morning, and escort me home by the end of the day,

The way you ask for my forgiveness for your inpatient at me,

The way you coordinate all of our friends to participate in helping my moving,

The way you made me a candle for me to blow so that I can make a wish, and accompany me in the night of my birthday to wait for the last second of the big day’s coming,

The way you brought me souvenirs when you got back from your travel out of town,

The way you gave me chocolates, and other sweets,

The way you share your life philosophy,

The way you analyze my personality,

The way you take me to a concert,

The way you help me change the old lamp with the new one,

The way you introduce me to your best friend,

The way you wish I was there with you when you’re having fun without me,

The way you just kept silent when you’ve had enough of my obstinate thought and childish behaviour,

The way you call me in the middle of the night just to find out if i’m okay,

The way you spend time during your busy schedule to have me accompanied to malls to buy a cupboard or even just a silly umbrella,

The way you tell me to took off my accessories (or clothes!) that doesn’t look good on me,

The way you teach me how to speak Japanese,

The way you say good night in Japanese,

The way you always be some sort of brother and best friend of a lifetime for me,

The way you complain about the noise I made when I play the music player too loud,

The ways you make me have someone that I cried and sick over to,

The way you explain me things that I don’t really understand,

The way you make me consider that you are definitely a crazy kind of man,

The way you make me marvel at your willingness to work hard and never feel shame of it,

The way you make me think highly of what you have done and sacrificed for your family, so that make me love my family more,

The way you try hard to find out the meaning of silly Japanese sentence that my cousin would like to know,

The way you tell me bravely that you actually don’t know the answer of my question,

The way you make me jealous by all those girl friends of yours,

The way you make me admire your brilliant deep thought of wisdom and knowledge,

The way you always see things in different point of view in everything,

The way you promise me to take me to see sunset in this river you always tell me by the time you got your own motorbike,

The way you praise me and my thought and my books,

The way you broke my heart into pieces over and over again,

The way you being love yourself so much just like the way I do my self,

The way you making fun of me along with your friend,

The way you yell at me when i threw some rubbish not in its proper place,

The way you laugh,

The way you make me realize that there are other people who are as freak as I am, that I’m not the only geek in the whole universe, that there are people with complicated way of life just like me,

The way you care for your friends a lot and how you respect them,

The way you inspire me to do things that is totally new for me,

The way you say sorry when you realize that my job load is heavier than you while you are paid higher than me,

The way you make me feel comfort whenever you near,

The way you throw your cigarret away by the time i looked at you angrily when you smoke with your friends,

The ways you make me never have enough of you,

The way you impress me with your generosity and kindness,

The way you embarrass me every time you do silly things in front of public, and you don’t even feel sorry for it,

The way you force me to watch all those Japanese anime series,

The way you let me take your medicine for free whenever I got the God-damn-headache,

And all those things that you’ve done for me for all these times that are so many that i can’t mention all of them here,

YOU SEE BOY, HOW YOU DID THOSE ARE JUST SOOOO…..OOOO….. SWEEEEEETT….

Well I think I’ll never have enough beautiful words to describe how lovely and how meaningful you are to me.  Hope that I will have you near for the rest of my life, even for any kind of relationship behind that belonging… 

Care for you always, brother…